Description of Healthy Family by Incest Survivor

1. Any comment by one is seen as an attack by another member regardless of intent.

2. Any difference of opinion, belief, values, behavior is threatening and family members try to avoid differences.

3. No one is allowed to get angry. If someone is angry it is seen as an attack.

4. Tenderness or affection is not shown because of fear of attack, ridicule or disappointment.

5. Acting sad is a sign of weakness.

6. Members must be rational, logical and reasonable. They respond rationally to feelings.

7. Everything (including arguments) must be nice and polite.

8. Love means members must always be dutiful and obedient - "If you loved me you would..."

1. Members give and receive feedback as a statement of feeling without blaming.

2. Differences in individual behavior, opinion, and values are respected and encouraged.

3. Family disagreements produce better understanding, negotiation, and change.

4. One member can dislike or disapprove of another's behavior without sending a message that they dislike or disapprove of the other person.

5. Both positive and negative feelings are freely given and accepted, not responded to with a message of "You shouldn't feel that way."

6. Individual functioning can continue even if the system is disrupted (non-enmeshed).

7. System needs do not stop individual growth and change from occurring.

8. Rules and expectations are negotiated and understood.

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