03/24/02 Left for Vegas from CA Tue for planned trip to be there for 6th grandbaby to be born. My dh (darling husband), my 2 teenage girls, my teenage ss (stepson) by exwifefromhell, my 10yo sd (stepdaughter) from wonderfulexgirlfriend.

 

got there at noon. My DIL (daughter-in-law) is happy to see us, spends the afternoon with us. She's due 3/21 for c-section. She tells us my 26yo son is too stressed to have company, he demands she goes home for the night to rest, and we're not allowed over. We're hurt.  DIL insisted with her husband that sd spend the night.  DIL said things to her husband like, "I love your family more than you do!"

 

We entertain ourselves that night best we can, low on money, and dh decides to call my son. My son isn't home. He went to his best friend's house to game, leaving DIL watching their 4 and 9yo kids, and my 10yo sd.  We go over to her house and have a great time.

 

The next morning my 17yo daughter says, "Someone should say something to him!" Dh says, "I'll leave that to his sisters" believing my son wouldn't listen to us.  I responded testily, "Don't put them in that position. If they want to say something they can."

 

Well, I wanted to.

 

My son comes in and I said, "Hi stranger?!? We come in to town and you go to your best friends house to play games? You don't allow us over, but leave Tanya to watch the kids?!?"

 

OMG, was he pissed.

 

He didn't seem to have any idea why we were upset, why we would expect him to see us the evening we come in to town, why he should have to stay home and watch the kids for a woman who's going to deliver in 2 days...

 

His lack of understanding, and lack of feeling about it makes me dig in my heels.  So he suddenly enrages that I'm a drama queen, that I came in there ready to go (I'm known for confronting difficult situations altho I've never confronted him), that he never criticizes me for how I treat my kids (something I wasn't doing to him), that I'm always getting in to everybody's business and I live in my own little world.  He implied that the fact that I still feel the need to write my friends and online lists about recovery means I still haven't let things go, and he patronizingly tries to tell me that's a huge burden for me to continue carrying.

 

I told him angrily, "I think you're talking about yourself."

 

As it continued I started to feel triggered. You know, that 20/80 thing where when you overreact to something in the present, it's probably only 20% about the present, and 80% about the past. I was going to begin sobbing in a deja vu about being in similar situations years ago.

 

I'm confronting my son, he's accusing me of all kinds of things, while 3 people (my teen girls and my husband) who also felt hurt about my son's behavior are silent letting my son think I'm behaving crazy.  Years ago I was the whistleblower, being accused of being evil, full of filth and hate, while my sister and mother kept silent about already admitting the abuse happened.

 

I'm confronting my son, who's criticizing me for speaking up, writing emails, remembering conversations, documenting my family's craziness. I remember many years ago my 1st husband telling me that because I have a talent with words, and remembered conversations, that I made him feel so inadequate that he demanded I stop using the talents that come natural to me.  I remember feeling at that time devastated at my core realizing that my 1st husband didn't want to know me, hear me, he didn't appreciate me, and it wasn't about whether he'd done something wrong and should be accountable. He wanted me not to be myself so he could feel better and not face problems.

 

My son was alternately exclaiming how he's told me he doesn't want to receive emails about any drama going on, but he accepts that's what I do. I exclaim that's a double message to me, he accepts that I write a lot, but he hates the emails.  He remarks he thought we could call and ask him what's up, and I respond, I'm doing that now.  He remarks he thought we could always talk to him about how we feel, and I respond, "Apparently not!"  He then criticizes how I've confronted him with anger rather than with hurt. I respond that hurt is always behind anger, and privately notice he's responding angrily to me.  (dh later remarks to me that that remark stopped my son. Gee, I wonder how I got smarter about feelings - OH, by reading, examining myself, writing and learning...)  My son angrily says he hates how I analyze everything (come to think of it, wasn't my son analyzing me?!?).  He also hates how I respond to emails by including a line from his email, then respond to it.  I thought that was reflecting a normal conversational style - he says something, and I'm responding to it.

 

My son angrily remarks that we know how he gets and we should understand when he needs to leave. I pointed out that he's assuming we know what he's like - that when he's feeling very angry/scared he doesn't want to take it out on wife and kids, so he leaves. DIL mumbles she just wishes she had someplace to run to.

 

Dh finally mumbles, "We'd appreciate it if you see us the first night we come in to town." My son acts all, "That's all you had to say!"  He says he'll make that effort in the future.

 

Bottom line - my dil didn't speak up about all the times she's complaining about his behavior, including about his behavior the night before.  My son hadn't gone to his best friend's house to game. My son was SOOOOOO stressed about dil's surgery the next day (cuz she and baby had a very difficult time last time) that he had to go to his best friend to confide.  Well, I understand better about that. We thought it was a normal night to him - leave like he often does to go game with his best friend.

 

My son starts repeating his explanations, I said that's enuf, you said that already. By then I'm doing the sobbing that's not going to stop. This sobbing isn't about the present. It's not about my son anymore.  It's about the 80% in the past.  But I'm in no position to explain that to him.  Dh whispers to me, "What do you want to do?" I respond quietly, "I want to go on with our plans." I figured it wouldn't do any good to leave sobbing. We had a finite amount of time.  I didn't want to lengthen the argument by leaving for a couple of hours to sob.

 

Dh has learned that tho there may be times I'm sobbing about something, I know myself well, can take care of myself well, can express myself well when I want to.

 

We all leave to go see the model home that represents the house my son is buying.

 

At the model home I'm still sobbing. I'd love to be able to stop. I know it's not going to stop until it's done. And I'm still not in a position to explain the tears.  I realize all may think my son's a jerk and that he's the reason I'm still sobbing. I know my son is feeling more and more like a heel. I can't explain different yet.

 

I tried to be in the group and act natural. The tears wouldn't stop. I finally turned away to look out the sliding door.

 

My son approaches me and apologizes saying he gets angry and talks out of his ass. I lol, while sobbing.  I said I know. He said I taught him to speak up and that's one of the things he admires about me.  He said we're the best family he has and he loves us.  He said he was frustrated about trying to explain to me that he needed badly to confide in his best friend. I chuckled and said, "Kind of like my emails?"  He says his best friend gives him feedback and implies my emails are not about getting feedback. I said my friends in recovery do give me feedback.  I said that talking and emailing a lot, analyzing, responding to a line in an email is probably more a girl thing than a boy thing - Mars/Venus - it doesn't mean I'm wrong for doing it.

 

I still can't stop crying, and don't feel ready to explain.  We go to eat at a fast food restaurant. I leave my sunglasses on. The tears are continuing.

 

I finally reach alone time with dh in our motel room and tell him simply the 2 things I'm crying about.   He says my 1st husband did not leave because I am good with words, can remember conversations, and can analyze situations.   Dh admitted it's disconcerting that I remember conversations.  Long ago dh said he admired me cuz I say what I mean, and mean what I say, and he wanted to be more like me.  This husband doesn't feel the need to squash my natural talents in order to feel better about himself.

 

Dh says he made an attempt in telling my son that he was hurt too.  I shrug. It's not important to me to demand dh speak up to rescue me.  Dh has only over the past couple of years become good at confronting exwifefromhell or his son.

 

The rest of the visit went very well, altho I feel a little distance between my son and I. Baby and mom breezed thru delivery - boy, 7lbs 7oz, 20". 

 

I'm going to be emailing my son about the sobs later.

 

I'm an easy target as an incest survivor, as a woman who dares to speak up, as a woman with a talent for words and for remembering, and documenting conversations when I feel the need.

 

After the upset, my son told me his dad had finally responded (after months) to his email inviting him to the birth.  At my son's b day party the night before delivery, my girls, my dil, are talking to dil's family about something my ex said that's confused and scared them. My son pipes up, "Why do you have to talk about that?!?" Yet earlier that day he was gossiping with me about his dad.

 

I'm going to be emailing my son that I'm confused about where I've butted in to his business before. I'm confused about where his boundaries are when he wants to gossip about his dad's craziness, then demands the girls don't.

 

I think my son was alluding to my documenting all my family of origin's craziness, thus butting in to all their business.

 

My son doesn't get it. My talent with words, remembering conversations, documenting conversations helped me sort out and climb out of all my family's craziness, my ex's craziness, the exwifefromhell's craziness.

 

Reading like crazy (ooops, I mean reading like a sane person would who needed to learn) and writing about myself, I learned about myself and about how I work - like when I'm doing an 80% thing.  I don't need to blame my son in the present for the 80% in the past.