One of my best friends in recovery moved out of town (Cathy, you out there?). She never remembered blatant sexual abuse. She came to believe it was what is now called "Subtraumatic sexual abuse." Our group didn't measure the abuse, and welcomed her.
"My father kept the Playboy Bunny calendar up on the family room wall all through my childhood, during our few sleepovers with friends, our co-ed party in junior high, and while his 4 grandkids were living with us and growing up. How 'bout yours?" Cheryl Moore Barron
Six Steps to Healing
Even if a subtraumatic experience continues to haunt you, there's no reason to believe the damage is irreparable. Here's what you can do to help yourself.
1. Talk to friends, or (if you want privacy) join an online women's discussion group. "The most powerful thing to do is talk, especially with other women," says Anne Stirling Hastings, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in Bellevue, Washington. "They can be a valuable reality check on what's 'normal' and ease feelings of isolation, guilt, or shame."
2. Confide in your mate if you haven't already done so. The fallout from subtrauma may be affecting your relationship with your husband, not to mention your sex life. Talking about how your past shaped the present -- and how certain aspects of your husband's behavior may inadvertently trigger old insecurities -- can go a long way toward bringing the two of you close, if for no other reason that that it ends a long pattern of noncommunication. But, warns Joan Lachkar, Ph.D., a Beverly Hills psychotherapist, "don't tell your mate more than you think he can handle supportively." If what's bugging you dates back to an ongoing consensual relationship, you may not want to describe the encounter in explicit detail.
3. Replay the incident in your head, paying extra attention to how you would act differently today. "That does not mean you should beat yourself up for not knowing what to do then," Dr. Lachkar says, "You were much younger! So repeat to yourself, 'It is not my fault' like a mantra -- and believe it."
4. On the other hand, don't cling to the "victim" role. "You don't want to talk about your experiences in a nonproductive or victimized way, where the message is 'Men are awful," Dr. Hastings warns, "You want to talk about it in a way that allows you to relive the emotion you wish you could have expressed at the time."
5. Stage a "confrontation." This doesn't mean tracking your abuser down, Dr. Lachkar says. Rather, try writing a letter to him or her without sending it or role-playing what you would say in an imaginary showdown. "This makes the experience concrete, so you feel more in control and less like it's this free-floating nightmare permeating your life," Dr. Lachkar says, "You've got it all there, on paper or in a mental script, which compartmentalizes the experience and makes it seem smaller.
6. Consider professional help. If friends, family and introspection don't provide relief, it may be time to seek professional counseling. If money is an issue, contact a local university or hospital for information about therapists who will work with you on a sliding scale.
Redbook January 1999 issue, "The Sex Abuse No One Suspects."
"When women fail to come to grips with the repercussions of painful sexual incidents, their relationships are bound to be haunted." Dr. Lachkar
"It is crucial to bear in mind that a subtraumatic past 'doesn't mean you're a permanent victim,' Dr. Crowley insists. 'It may just mean recognizing, 10 or 20 years after the fact, that it was okay for you to be frightened or upset or angry, even if others didn't see it that way.' And that's a critical step toward believing in yourself, your judgement, and the man you choose to be with today."
Books:
