Reporter's Interview by Incest Survivor

12/6/2000, "Hey there. Sorry for the intrusion, but my name is *** and I am a ***-based author working on my second book. This one is on the subject of betrayal, and is a guide to dealing with it from a position of strength and knowledge, rather than crisis. I saw your posting on the abuse forum and wondered whether you might agree to a short Internet interview. I won't use your name. I was extremely touched by your story about your mother and how you learned to take care of yourself. Know that my intentions are good and I am only interested in helping others to deal with the difficulties of rebuilding their lives. Please e-mail me back at if you're interested."

I emailed her I was interested.

1. Tell me your story of betrayal, who it involved, what was going on, etc.

At about age 36 I was remembering abuse by my father, who had died 10 years earlier. I learned that my 14 years older sister had a breakdown 30 years earlier remembering, when my twin sister and I were being abused. My oldest sister was in therapy at the time, screaming over the phone at both parents about the abuse. Several years later she returned home a single mom of 4 daughters. I learned 2 of those daughters had breakdowns remembering before my beginning to remember. My twin, who had a psychotic break missing dad about 9 years before my breakdown remembering, responded, "So what if there was fondling and voyeurism, that was just dad." My mother responded that I'd thank her one day for having kept the secrets. I eventually had a horrific breakdown over 3 days and nights in my own home remembering repeated rape by my father. My breakdown was not psychotic, altho to me it appeared psychotic, manic depressive...my therapist assured me otherwise.

2. Did you confront the person?

Before the worst of my breakdown I nicely confronted my mother and sister. I felt shocked by their responses. I didn't confront my twin til long after the worst of my breakdown remembering, because she was pregnant at the time, and I was afraid of causing her harm.

3. How did it make you feel about yourself? Where did you find strength? How did you heal?

I felt utter shock that the people I loved, and who I thought loved me, didn't care at all about the abuse, or the horrific breakdown I suffered. They cared only about keeping the secrets, despite the sicknesses throughout our family.

Part of what motivated me to confront and speak up was that a year before my breakdown, my little grand niece about 3 years old (the daughter of a niece who'd had a breakdown remembering) had seen a bad/good touch ad and told her mother about her father (they were divorced) touching her. My little grand niece described oral sex, had a vaginal infection, and her dad's roommate was a convicted pedophile. My grandniece didn't tell CPS the story and her dad wasn't convicted. My niece at first denied him visitation, which she could do cuz he didn't pay support. But my oldest sister's response was to convince my niece that visitation must continue because, "after all, he is her father." My oldest sister was repeating a decision she'd made for herself 30 years earlier.

Part of what motivated me was a strong desire to get well for my own 4 kids. I didn't want abuse to continue, I didn't want the mind frame that abuse was ok to continue, I needed to get emotionally well for my kids' sake.

Part of what motivated me and gave me strength was an enormous determination to survive, and make things better. I could survive anything, except the rare moments I lost all hope of any better future.

Part of what motivated me was a strong belief in a higher power that had helped me survive to this point, and would help me get better.

I healed through a variety of ways I instinctively created to help express the terribly overwhelming feelings. I made many collages of pictures and words that expressed what was going on with me. I wrote volumes. I'd act out, scream out my feelings. Eventually everything I did, that was often disjointed and not understandable by others, crystallized in to a more coherent concise way. I needed to understand the dynamics of my family of origin, and understand me, in order to understand it in to healing.

4. Did you receive the support you needed from family and friends?

I had the support of my husband, therapist, one of my teenagers, and one favorite niece. Although my husband was excellent support thruout the whole ordeal, I was eventually betrayed by him, and our 20 year marriage ended a couple of years after my breakdown. My favorite niece tried to be supportive, but was overwhelmed by all the issues. She would alternately understand, and try to get me to play nice and get along with the family anyway because she wanted the family to stay together. Eventually she told me she'd now remembered, it was affecting her life, and I should get over it as she did. I didn't agree that I should have my family of origin back in my life the way my niece wanted me to. I believe she felt conflicted about that, and grew angry with me. She suddenly filed a lawsuit against my mother about her own abuse, now claiming the abuse had affected her life after all. The lawsuit was also against the family trust fund, of which my sisters and I will be the recipients of. My niece said, "They don't deserve the money, I do." My niece didn't include me in the lawsuit, she didn't have the details of the trust fund, didn't have much evidence, and eventually settled out of court with my mother for $25,000. After it was all done I called my niece's attorney asking if he could file against my mother on my behalf. He couldn't because the statute of limitations had passed. He was shocked to learn I had similar memories to my niece's memories. He was shocked that I said I would have testified on my niece's behalf. It reiterated for me that I thought the point was to make my mother accountable and change the mindset that the abuse was ok. For my niece, her anger against even me fueled her attempt to try to hurt all of us rather than really make a difference.

4. Did you go into denial or try to minimize what happened so you could go on?

LOL, no. That's what pissed everyone off.

5. How did you resolve it? Did you make the right decision?

I eventually spoke, wrote, and performed on the subject of incest recovery. I attended several years of ACOA incest survivor meetings, giving me invaluable practice at communicating with myself and others. I created a couple of meetings that I needed, and therefore others needed; Partners of Survivors and Healing Your Sexual Self. The sexual meetings were especially invaluable in helping me figure out what I needed in an intimate relationship, figure out how to communicate that, and be ready for it when it happened. *grin* I'm happily remarried.

I made the decisions by instinct, choosing to trust myself and a higher power, and daring to jump off a cliff not knowing where I was going to land. It was several years of feeling so very empty, not knowing if I'd land, barely keeping one foot in front of the other.

And then my decisions began to pay off in a more mature, skilled, confident me with a better life.

6. How has this changed you?

I understand myself very well. I've learned much about communicating with others, trusting in a Higher Power, knowing what's in my power and what isn't. I've learned the skill of making amends. I've learned the power of choices. I've experienced the reverence for life, for the connection we all have with each other. I've learned skills to handle difficult people or situations. My capacity for intimate friendships soared.

"I am overwhelmed. I'm so sorry you had to go through this nightmare.

Can you tell me a little more about your deep feelings of betrayal, both in terms of how your father betrayed you, and then what your heart felt like when your mother tried to invalidate you.

THANKS FOR HELPING. This is so important."

I felt discombobulated (sp?) cuz my entire world was turning upside down and inside out. Everything I thought about myself, my childhood, my parents and others was up in the air. I had lived years trusting and loving these people, I built long years of life on my life with them, and it all was going up in smoke.

I can't say I felt a lot about my dad's betrayal, per se, of learning 11 years ago that he didn't love me. I felt enormous rage about the abuse. But I remembered always feeling disconnected from him. And now I knew why.

This is an article I wrote about that:

http://www.whitesoftheirlies.com/publishedarticles/fathers.htm

and a piece from another article of mine:

"When Dad was dying of cancer, I tried to nurture and care for him and always puzzled over why there was not an emotional connection of love and affection. I sat rubbing his back as he sat waiting to go to the hospital for the last time and, as always, he was unable to accept or give affection, unable to look me in the eye.

I remember my husband scooping my father up in his arms when in the middle of the night Dad collapsed in the bathroom, Phil laying Dad back in bed gently - one of my bittersweet memories - an expression of affection Dad reluctantly accepted.

I remember Dad's terrible stomach pain in the hospital, my reaching the doctor finally, my arriving after the orderly had failed to get blood after many painful attempts, wishing I'd been there to stand up to the orderly and protect my father from that pain.

HOW IRONIC!!!

I remember Dad accepting Christ with only you and our cousin, the preacher in the hospital room. I felt alienated , left out and lonely again. Why was such a 'momentous occasion' privately administered and not shared or celebrated?

'The knowledge illuminated forgotten chambers in the dark house of infancy. I knew now why I could feel homesick at home." G.K. Chesterton '"

When I had gently confronted my oldest sister and mother, and before the worst of my breakdown remembering, my mother came over to my house, sat on the couch next to me and said that of course I'd understand (the need for keeping secrets) cuz now I was in the same boat as she was. At first I didn't understand what she meant. She meant that because my daughter was molested by her paternal uncle, I was in the same boat as my mother.

I found my 5yo daughter being molested by 12yo uncle 9 years earlier. At the time I reacted on automatic, separating them, keeping my daughter away, telling my father-in-law he needs to talk to his son, keeping my enraged husband calmed down.

Before I began to remember, we were in therapy for our marriage, and I told the therapist about my daughter. She replied, "You better ask your 14yo if it stopped." I went home and asked. She said, "Mom, I thought you knew it went on for 3 years." I sobbed, "OMG, what have I done over and over." I confronted all of my in-laws and learned my husband had raped his 4 years younger stepsister, who had raped or molested her 4 and more years younger 4 brothers. 1 brother had a breakdown remembering at age 21. We knew about the breakdown - he didn't tell us what it was about. He was the only one to stand up and say he knew my daughter had been molested, and said David (trying to say it never happened) had walked in one day on Kenny molesting my daughter. They all disowned me.

Now my mother was telling me I'm in the same boat as she, and she's cheerfully asked to treat the kids and I to dinner. The 4 kids and I go to dinner. I was in another world, in utter shock that my mother was trying to buy my silence now. I remember sitting at the table, I don't remember anything that was said at the table.

My daughter's molestation, and my sudden realization about how I'd failed her was also my motivation for not minimizing what was going on.

In addition, btw, 3 months before my breakdown I had been rearended in a car accident. The therapy, remembering, was having an adverse affect on my neck injury. My left side felt numb. The surgeon was threatening immediate surgery. I told him what was going on and he very appropriately and sympathetically said he couldn't imagine a father molesting his child, but he was of the old school and said it had nothing to do with my physical symptoms. I felt terrified of going into surgery and anesthesia. I had to get well. I think I unconsciously chose the worst of my breakdown remembering so I could make some hard decisions and get well quickly.

Altho all stress does still go to my neck injury, I still haven't had to have surgery.

An article I wrote about my mother:

Making Amends to an Incest Survivor

I was bouncing off the walls in my home with horrifying thoughts of suicide. I had uncovered the rampant sexual abuse over many years by my father. My mother had always known about it. She had recently requested by letter that my husband put a stop to my behavior. She claimed I was upsetting the family. My husband feared showing the letter to me, thinking it would increase my suicidal thoughts.

Instead of doing what he feared, it all finally sank in. Mother didn't care about my welfare as a child or as an adult. Rage was what I needed to get through this breakdown. I found my rage. I marched to the phone with a sudden determination, called my mother and angrily said, "You Go To Hell! I don't want to have any more to do with you. STAY OUT OF MY LIFE!" I hung up. I then wrote her - "In case you didn't understand me on the phone, I said..." I then continued, "You let your daughters fulfill Dad's sexual desires and lived with that and made us live with it too. NO MORE! You are not welcome at my house. DO NOT CALL! DO NOT WRITE! How dare you try to put the burden on my husband to handle what you did to us all of our lives. GO TO HELL!"

Her next note said there was still time for me to make amends.

I am making amends. To myself. By taking care of me.

Cheryl Moore Barron

I learned not to betray myself most of all.

"You are an incredible writer. I am so lucky to have found someone like you to share this perspective. Thank you, thank you, thank you."