A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.  

With superhuman strength borne of fury, she
dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.  Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband terrified, screamed, "STOP!! STOP!!  You're NOT going to ... to cut it off, ARE YOU?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, laid down the hacksaw within her husbands reach and said "Nope.  I'm going to set the garage on fire."

A redhead found out that her husband was cheating  on her while stationed in Saudi a few months ago, so she sends him this care package. He is excited to get a package from his wife back home.

 He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows. He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park.

 Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees sucking off  his best friend. After a few seconds, he does his business in her mouth and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough.

 She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce."

 [Now that's a Dear John video.]

Upon entering the confessional, a young redhead  spilled the beans, admitting: "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me -- seven times."

The priest thought long and hard, then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass, then drink it."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe the smile off your face."

A man is sitting in a bar near a beautiful redhead, who's wearing the tightest fitting pants he has ever seen. He keeps looking at her with wide eyes, so she finally asks, "What's wrong?" He said, "Lady, I hope you don't mind my being too presumptuous, but I was wondering, just how does a person get into a pair of pants like that?" She looks at him, smiles, and says, "You might start by buying me a drink."